


The Scientist

by percabethisawesome



Series: The Scienist [1]
Category: AOS - Fandom, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-10-05
Updated: 2014-10-05
Packaged: 2018-02-19 22:45:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2405639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/percabethisawesome/pseuds/percabethisawesome
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if the person you loved the most didn't know you?</p>
<p>What if you didn't know the person you loved the most?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I've Been Beside You the Whole Damn Time

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first chapter of a series I am starting. I've been meaning to write it for a while, but you all know how school can get in the way of plans.  
> Anyways, it takes place after the season 1 finale.

White walls, tiled floors, the unmistakable smell of floor cleaner, and the constant beeping of machines followed by the sound of nurses sneakers. For over a week these things had been Simmons’ life. She took a deep breath and stared at Fitz’s unresponsive body.

Most people upon knowing he had lived would have been celebrating. Simmons, however, knew better than to jump so quickly. She knew that he had lost a significant amount of oxygen. That being said, going that long without oxygen would not leave his body unscathed. He had been unconscious for ten days, there was no way he didn’t have some brain damage and memory loss.

Jemma wiped her eyes, as she sat back in her chair and drank cold, bitter coffee. Hospitals used to fill her with wonder, amazement and curiosity. Now as her body begged for sleep and her mind screamed with anxiety, she wondered how she could ever have been so ignorant. Even running on three cups of coffee over a five hour period she was still wrestling to keep her eyes open. Surely, closing them for one minute would do no harm. She let the darkness cover her like a blanket, and it wasn’t long until her caffeine driven body finally gave into sleep.

* * *

 

"Simmons, Simmons," Skye’s soothing voice said calling Jemma back to reality. She jumped in her chair. 

"How- how long was I asleep?" Simmons asked,rubbing her stiff neck. She looked to Fitz’s body, the tubes keeping him alive were still there. She could still hear the steady rhythm of his heart. "Was there any change? Even the slightest elevation or drop in BP is critical." She felt her heart racing. How could she have been so daft? He wouldn’t have fallen asleep on her.

Skye noticed how Simmons’ face turned pale and her hands began shaking. She watched as she put a hand over her mouth and took unsteady breath. “It’s okay,” Skye  said, laying a hand on Jemma’s free arm. “It’s okay,” she repeated as her companions eyes filled with tears, and she took deep, shaking breaths. Skye was rarely one to be compassionate towards others, come to think of it there was only one shoulder that Jemma Simmons would want to cry on, and that belonged to Leo Fitz. “Hey, hey, hey,”Skye said, leaning down to be at the same level as Jemma. “He’s stable,and you weren’t out for any more than two hours.” She realized that her words brought little help to the situation. Skye put her arms around her friend, embracing her in a hug. “None of this was your fault.” She could feel hot tears hitting her shoulder, and she pondered whether any words could help.

"But it is…" Jemma began,blinking as the tears rolled down her face, and her voice faltered. "It’s all my-" she swallowed, as she felt a lump in her throat. "It’s all my fault," she said again. "If I had sw-swam faster, if I had given him that breath, if I hadn’t tried to get us on the bus-" She couldn’t continue. She knew that this was a matter of psychology, that admitting something out loud makes it seem more real. Yet, she also felt as though her every word was bringing Fitz one step closer to death.

Skye wished that there was something she could do to fix this. She wanted desperately to be able to find the words that would make Simmons whole again,but she could sit there all day and they wouldn’t come. Fitz was Simmons’ other half. Without him it was impossible for her to be her old self. It wasn’t like they were two people who worked together,it was like they were both part of the same person. Even when Leo’s parents had found sitting next to him in S.H.I.E.L.D.’s ICU Jemma had sat beside him. She’d been beside him the whole damn time.

 Both women heard someone clear their throat, and they abruptly broke apart.  Skye turned around, as Simmons wiped her eyes. Standing just outside the door was Agent Tripplet. “Sorry, I can come back,” he said, about to walk away.

"No, no, it’s fine," said Jemma. 

"What are you doing here?" Skye asked, as she got to her feet. She saw how he refused to look either Simmons, or herself in the eyes, an noticed that he was keeping his hands in his sweater pockets. His face now wore the beginnings of a beard, and he had bags under his eyes.

"Coulson wanted both of you in his office." Tripp saw that neither agent was about to move. "He says it’s urgent."

That was all that it took. Both agents quickly got to their feet and started for the door. Simmons stopped in the doorway and looked at Fitz’s still body. She silently promised him that she would be back. Though, she knew that this meeting Coulson called them for could be to discuss what they would do with him.

* * *

 

 When the girls arrived in Coulson’s office May was standing next to the door, her arms crossed behind her back. She stood tall, ready. Upon seeing Simmons and Skye enter the meeting room her facial expression softened for only a moment. Leaving the agents wondering if maybe it was just their imagination and sleep deprivation.

"I read the latest report on Fitz," she said, clearing her throat. "Still no change?"

Jemma sighed. That’s what everyone was wondering. So so desperately wanted to tell them that he was improving, yet she knew that was one thing she may never be able to say. She knew that the real reason Coulson called them in here may be to discuss what was best to do with Fitz.

Skye pulled Melinda May aside, and started talking to her. Though Simmons couldn’t make out their words she knew Skye was giving her an update. “I should have just finished him off when I had the chance,” May said. She didn’t have to say who. Both agents knew that she meant Ward. “No, I should have just left him in a storage unite at the bottom of the sea.” Her tone was sharp and her words cut like knives. Thankfully for Simmons, Coulson entered.

"You guys can sit," he said. Maybe it was just the insomnia talking, but he looked so much older. He had dark rings under his eyes, and even in just a few weeks his hair looked lighter. The coat that was fitted to him just a few months ago, was now large.

"Why did you call us in here?" May asked, getting straight to the point, as she sat opposite to Jemma, on Coulson’s left.

Coulson drew a long breath, and ran his fingers through his thin hair. “It’s about Fitz.”

Simmons had known what he would say before the words left his mouth. Yet hearing them gave her the same feeling as when she jumped from the bus. It was as though her whole word was collapsing. As if she knew that at any moment her life would end, but yet she couldn’t do anything about it. 

After an uncomfortable moment of silence Skye spoke up. “What do you mean… ‘About Fitz’?”

"Look he’s been on life support for almost two weeks now. So far, he’s responsive, but-"

"With the force that the door hit his head, and the amount of oxygen loss to the brain, he may not be his old self," Jemma finished. 

Simmons was shaking in her seat. She had always imagined that when she was called into the counsel room it would be when she was a level seven, or when Fury had approved of one of her serums. She never in a million years thought it would be to discuss the fate of her best friend. Even now, in that very moment she was unable to fathom it.

"Phil…" Melinda said in a warning tone. 

"We all know that Fitz wouldn’t want to continue on if he-" there was a crack in Director Coulsons voice. "If he couldn’t do and process all of the things that he used to." Skye’s eyes were brimming with tears, but she could tell that Simmons was stuggling to stay so composed. She put her hand in Simmons’,comforting her, letting her know she was there for support. "We have our best doctors working on him, but even they think the probability of him waking up is small."

"You can’t-" Jemma croaked, her voice weak. She wanted to say more, yet that was all that she could manage.

"His Mom isn’t even here," Skye said, covering her mouth with her hand.

"I was looking through his medical file," Coulson, paused as he retrieved a fie from the briefcase next to him. He put it on the table and slid it towards Jemma. "He listed you under medical emergency."

"What? Th-that’s impossible," Simmons countered.

"I’ve read the file over ten times. ‘In the event that I shall need medical care, and am not lucid and/or awake, I hereby give legal custody to Jemma Simmons.’" Coulson recited the words as his face twisted, and the pain he felt was visible.

"Is that even legal?" Skye asked.

"It’s filed in S.H.I.E.L.D.’s database," Coulson said in a small voice.

"If what you’re asking me is to stop treating him, I-I can’t."

"There is one alternative," Coulson said, his voice gentle. "Over the past two decades, Doctor Charles Hunt, has been working on a procedure." May sat straight in her seat, yet something looked different. It wasn’t her regular stiffness that came from being on alert. She sat as thought she was concerned. "It would involve cutting into Fitz’s brain."

Simmons exhaled deeply. “Neurosurgery is risky enough as it is. I’m assuming that if he’s still testing it there will be some complications?”

Phil reclined back in his chair. He rubbed the stubble on his chin. “The obvious ones are death, a coma, paralysis.” He opened his mouth, only to shut it again, before leaning forward and saying, “The others are memory loss, and patients who- patients who lost the memories... well it wasn't so good once they regained them."

"So, what you're saying is he would have a form of dissociative amnesia?" Jemma asked, as her voice cracked.

Coulson took a deep breath as his adam's apple bobbed. "Yes, but when they gained the memories back, they didn't- they-" Coulson tried to focus on something, anything else but Jemma's haunting eyes. "They didn't always make it." 

An uncomfortable silence washed over the room and they could hear the steady beating of the clock. All of these thoughts caused Simmons’ head to throb. How could she decide something like this? Normally she always knew what to do and say. Yet here she was, at a loss for words when she needed them the most. She wanted to believe he would wake up on his own, yet she knew that with each day that likely hood decreased a little more. This was her fault, and she couldn’t live with herself if she didn’t do everything she could to get him back. She knew better than anyone that Fitz wouldn’t want to be in a coma, or vegetated for the rest of his life. She knew what he would do for her.  

 ”Look if you need some time-“

"No," Jemma said. "We-we need to do everything we can. Like you said, he may never wake up. We have to try the surgery."

Shock and a small amount of grief spread across Coulson’s face. Before anyone said a word, May abruptly walked out of the room. With his left hand Coulson rubbed his face. The face of a man who was long ago gone. “I’ll call you in for a briefing later,” he said.

* * *

 

Jemma walked down the dark S.H.I.E.l.D. hallways again. As Simmons was about to entered Director Coulson’s office she overheard arguing.

"…you do something like that?" spat the familiar voice that belonged to May.

"I had no other choice, what did you expect me to do? Let him die?" The frustration in Coulson’s voice was so clear.

"You haven’t been yourself lately, and I’m starting to worry." 

Jemma knew she shouldn’t eavesdrop. Yet, as was usually the case with her, the curiosity was too great to resist.

"Fury left me in charge. Everyone thought we were over. Excuse me if I don’t have time to play chess and read Captain America comic books!"

"That’s not what I meant and you know it," May’s words cut like a dagger. "And some of your decisions have been a little bit more questionable." Simmons heard May’s footsteps getting closer to the door.

"This isn’t Tahiti!" Jemma backed away from the door, she wished beyond anything that this was all just some messed up dream of hers.

"Then what is it?" May said as she stormed out of Coulson's office. She avoided making eye contact with Jemma as she briskly walked away. If anyone knew what was to come it would be Melinda May, and any opinion she made would be completely helpless.


	2. Losing Your Memory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jemma takes a walk down memory lane. Meanwhile, May is hiding something from her.

Over the years Jemma had grown accustomed to waiting rooms. Now, sitting in the S.H.I.E.L.D hospital waiting room she was reminded of the last time she had sat in a waiting room for this very institution.

* * *

 

Of course when she first applied to the academy they requested an interview from her.  Naturally she arrived early, and took a seat next to a boy who scarcely looked older than fifteen, though she assumed he must have been about seventeen. He was scribbling in a notebook, chewing furiously on the cap to his pen. Normally she would have let a student go about their business uninterrupted, but there was something about him, perhaps it was the way he furrowed his brows, or the way he squinted before crossing out his work.

"Did you hear about the new species of apes they discovered?" Simmons inquired, immediately regretting the question she chose. 

"W-What? Sorry," the boy had asked, as he dropped his pen on the floor.

Simmons picked up his pen and handed it to him. "They discovered a new species of apes in Indonesia recently, I just thought maybe you had heard."

"Oh," the boy said, brushing his curly hair. "I, uh, I didn't hear actually. That's qui-quite interesting." He gave a nervous smile to her.

The conversation was interrupted when a woman wearing a pencil skirt and blouse walked into the room. "Simmons," she called, reading the name off of a list. 

Jemma stood up, returning a smile to the boy. "It was nice meeting you..."

"Fitz- Leo Fitz," the boy- Fit- said quickly.

With that Jemma walked away, still wearing her smile. What she was unaware of was that back in the waiting room Leo Fitz was repeating her last name under his breath. It wouldn't be until three more weeks had passed till he would learn her first name, after which, the two would grow inseparable.

* * *

 

"Simmons," said a man in a white coat, with scrubs underneath; the doctor.

She was snapped back to reality, and took a deep breath, Fitz was going to be okay, everything would be okay.

The doctor was expressionless. "Your... Leo Fitz, came out of surgery. Although, it's too soon to say whether it has been a success, we can now let you go back and see him."

* * *

 

This time Fitz was in a new room. Jemma tried not to focus on his bandaged head, or how he murmured every now and then under his breath. Instead, she tried paying attention to the up and down lines on his heart monitor. She listened to the steady, beeping of the machine, signifying that he was stable.

"Fitz..." Jemma started, hoping that maybe if the neurons started firing signals it would speed up the recovery. "Remember the time we went to the exhibition put on by the biology and physics students at the academy?" Her lips curved into a smile. "Oh you absolutely  _hated_ fairs and carnivals of any kind- so did I come to think of it. You know, I had actually considered it a date when you asked me to go," then Jemma paused, as if waiting for him to add on to the conversation. "I- well, maybe...

"Anyway, you insisted that we ride on the one roller coaster, The- oh, what was it called- you know, the one you helped design yourself, it was supposed to go faster then any other- Well, I suppose the name isn't important. You held my hand the whole time we were on there." She sighed, as she grasped Fitz's cold hand. "Then of course you almost fainted, though you like to say that you were fully conscious. When we got off the ride you were shaking, and I had to talk to you to finally calm you down. 

"When you were finally back to your old self, you insisted, "No more rides". I asked if you wanted to leave- you actually did want to- but, you said no. So, I suggested we play one of the games that was helping fund the biology department. It was the dart and balloon game, and you didn't hit any of them. Then I took a try, and hit them all, won that toy monkey for you- Guess you had thought I was obsessed with the creatures after our first meeting and then that. I believe I gave the toy to you, didn't I?"

Simmons didn't understand why she was babbling on. Maybe it was to drown out the sound of the machines, to distract herself from the smell of floor cleaner, or just because she needed it. She looked at Fitz's blood pressure, 123/84, slightly elevated since she had last checked it, though not enough for concern. Then, she flipped to his heart rate, 122, average for Fitz.

"That will drive you crazy, you know," said Agent May, leaning against the doorframe.

"Sorry?"

"Continuing to watch his heart rate, feeling guilty, looking for anything that could tell if he'll be okay... It's enough to drive someone insane." May stopped, pausing, as if she were reflecting on the past, but Jemma didn't want to push her. "Then, I guess we're all a bit mad these days...."

"-Anyway I should be returning to work," May said, ending the conversation as she silently left the room. 

* * *

 

Jemma must have fallen asleep, because she awoke to the sound of beeping, as she reached to turn her phones alarm off she remembered where she was and became aware that the beeping was from Fitz's monitors. She jumped to her feet, now wide awake, and was about to yell for assistance, but then one of the doctors followed by an RN rushed in.

What happened next seemed to be in slow motion the doctor called out orders and the blood pressure. "He's gone into tachycardias," the doctor said as he grabbed the defibrillator.

It all seemed to surreal, this couldn't possibly be Fitz who was always upbeat and happy, though slightly jealous. This couldn't be the boy she had talked to her first day at the academy. This couldn't be the boy who was too shy to speak, or the boy who was scared of riding roller coasters. No way was this the boy she had worked with ehr entire year. It was not possible that the man who saved her life, while risking his own was now on a hospital bed, fighting for his life.

Jemma Simmons felt like she was inside of a black hole, a place where time and space failed to exist, though life continued around her. She stood and watched, petrified.

Coulson as well as the rest of the crew rushed in. Trapped inside of her black hole Jemma was unable to hear what was happening, but she watched as they wheeled Fitz out of the room. 

It was Skye who hugged her, and Coulson put his hand on her back. Meanwhile, May started cursing under her breath. "... I mean we work at one of the top intelligence agencies, you'd think that these fucking people would have the brains to know what to do the first time!" She pushed a chair to the ground and took deep breaths. 

Coulson walked toward her and held her arm. "May, how about we take this outside?" 

"W-what's happening?" Jemma asked, turning to Skye. All color had drained from Simmons' face, leaving her complexion to be that of a ghosts. 

"They're taking him back into surgery," Skye said as a tear escaped her eyes. 

* * *

It was an orderly who spoke to Simmons while she was alone in the room. "I have a change of clothes for you, orders of Phi- Director Coulson," she said laying one of S.H.I.E.L.D.'s medical uniforms on the table beside Simmons.

* * *

 

After Fitz returned to the hospital room Simmons made sure not to lose her focus. She checked his BP and heart rate in ten minute intervals. Maybe May was right, perhaps she was going mad, but Simmons couldn't risk it again.

"I- what I never told you was that- Fitz you were so much more than a friend to me, and I can't lose you, because I-"

Fitz moaned and moved his head ever so slightly, as he blinked and his eyes opened, Jemma got to her feet. "I- Wh-"

Simmons held out her hand. "No, Fitz, you don't have to talk."

"Where is everyone?" He asked, ignoring what she said.

"Skye and Tripp are getting food, and then Coulson and Skye have a situation to handle- something about carvings." Simmons took a sigh of relief, he was conscious.

"Oh okay, well I'm Leo Fitz, though I expect my nurse already knows that," he said.

"Pardon?" Jemma said. 

"I mean I suppose you could be a doctor, but I assumed you were a nurse by your uniform."

Simmons felt her throat get tight and felt as though she may faint. Perhaps she didn't know exactly what was going on, but she knew that he didn't know her.

"Yes, well, I suppose I should call your friends down," Simmons said, as she headed toward the door. She felt the hot tears rush down her face and felt as though someone had just punched her in the chest.

* * *

 

That night Coulson sat in his office, alone with a bottle of whisky.

"I never took you as the drinking type," May said.

"We all have our exceptions," Coulson said, looking at his glass instead of May. "Come on, tell me you were right, that I haven't even been director for a month and I'm already making too many mistakes. Tell me that I should have listened to you."

May sat down and took a drink from the bottle. "This isn't your fault, and besides for that one thing he's healthy and he still has his intelligence."

"I just don't understand how someone who was with you every step of the way, someone you went to school with, someone you designed machines with, someone you worked with-"

"Stop beating yourself up, none of us knew that this would happen, but we only wanted the best for him, not for her."

"But he just forgot her, as if she never existed."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to apologize for not updating, and just say that I have had some personal issues arise, however I will try my hardest to update from now on. Also, I know this is kind of behind with the show, but I did start this before the newer episodes and I still intend on going through with it.


End file.
